Everything You Wanted To Know About Recent Films But Were Too Lazy to Go to the RedBox to Get

My wife and I recently got sick of re-watching the same movies over and over. So, we started taking advantage of RedBox and have recently watched most of the heavily talked about films from the last few months. If you’ve put off watching them, here’s the break-down of what was really good, and what the fuck’s going on:

1) The Hurt Locker: A highly trained bomb-diffuser in Iraq learns about not being an asshole to your comrades, because Lord knows, if you don’t shut your mouth, they might just discuss blowing your ass up. It also features a crazy-ass general who shows up to tell him that he’s hot shit, and a wild man, like five to ten times each, only to disappear a minute later and never be seen again. Is there anything more off-putting than a non-sequitur in a film about the people who diffuse roadside bombs in Baghdad? Four Stars

2) Brothers: Spiderman (Tobey Maguire) leaves Padme (Natalie Portman) behind to go to war and gets his ass blown up in a helicopter crash. Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) steps in to fill the fatherly role that Peter Parker left after his death…OR IS HE REALLY DEAD?! (No. No he’s not. Hilarity does NOT ensue.) Prepare to fucking cry and scream like a newborn infant. Five Stars

3) Up In The Air: George Clooney is a sexy, corporate ass-kicking down-sizer. His job is to fly around the country, fuck the gorgeous psychiatrist from The Departed, fire people, and in general just be a really cool guy. UNTIL TRAGEDY STRIKES, and his company decided that he’s going to train that chick from Twilight (one of the ones that isn’t Kristen Stewart) to fire people, because her system of firing people on a web cam is probably a bad idea. Hilarity ensues! (Really, it does in this one.) I will watch absolutely anything Jason Reitman releases. After Thank You For Smoking, Juno, and now this, I will follow his ass until the end of the earth. Five Stars

4) The Informant!: You had best better watch your fucking ass, or Matt Damon will SMOKE IT. It doesn’t matter that he’s the worst spy ever to exist, he’s still going to make damn sure your ass comes to justice. Until everyone finds out that he’s just a tattle-tale and the Smothers Brothers, Patton Oswalt, and Paul F. Tompkins go after his ass. These are the good times people, and this is what we’re going to get from Steven Soderbergh now that Bernie Mac is dead and we won’t get another Oceans movie. However, in all fairness, it was a really fun ride, and it proves that Matt Damon is really, really, really awesome, and totally not a cake-eater. Three-And-A-Half Stars

5) An Education: The fantastically charming Peter Sarsgaard (sporting a British accent and a soul patch) charms the dress off of a 16 year old schoolgirl who you have never heard of before. No really, you’ve never heard of her before. But she’s marvelous, looks great in a British all-girl-school uniform, and gets really fucking pissed when her boyfriend turns out to be the biggest dirtbag on the face of the earth. An Education swims in its own wit, and it has every right to, being that Nick Hornby (High Fidelity, About A Boy, A Long Way Down, How to Be Good) wrote the screen play. This may be one of the most impeccably done coming of age films done in a long time, and having Doc Ock be the most over-the-top father in the world makes everything all the better. Five Stars

6) The Men Who Stare At Goats: It has Kevin Spacey, Jeff Bridges, Ewan McGregor, and George Clooney as some of the craziest people ever to co-exist with each other, which is saying something for a group of people that includes Obi-Wan Kenobi and The Dude. Clooney and McGregor go on an adventure in the Iraq desert, and along the way Clooney tells him all about the group of people who the US government worked to train to be psychic weapons. The movie begins with the disclaimer: “More of this is true than you would like to believe,” which is true. Keep in mind, when you watch it, that the New Earth Army actually existed. Also take in the irony of Daniel Ocean talking to Obi-Wan about Jedi. Three Stars

7) Public Enemies: I love Johnny Depp. That said, it’s been awhile since I felt compelled to turn off a movie. I almost wanted to deliberately scratch the disc and return it to Redbox, telling them the DVD didn’t work, and could we please, please, please have our $1 back. Terrible. Fuck this shit. One Star

8 ) The Damned United: This is one that may have slipped under your radar, but: Lucian from Underworld plays the formidable Brian Clough, the football manager who, after taking the Derby County F.C. to the very top, was placed in charge of Leeds United, and royally fucks everything up. One of the most entertaining sports movies I’ve seen since Friday Night Lights, with the usual fun of British actors from other films co-mingling into the same film (i.e. Clough’s Derby County co-captain happens to be Wormtail, while the F.C.’s chairman happens to be Horace Slughorn. That, and Miles O’Brien happens to be the former captain of Leeds United. Full marks to whoever recognizes the disgruntled Leeds footballer and wonders if he still likes dags.) All in all, a wonderful sports film about how, if you’re a royal pain in the ass, someone’s just going to fuck your shit up and kick you out the door. Fuck off now, The Blind Side, not everything needs to be heartwarming. Five Stars

9) Julie & Julia: However, heartwarming is not always a bad thing. Amy Adams plays a woman who’s yelled at by people who were affected by 9/11, and realizes that the best way to learn to cook is to cook her way through all 500+ recipes in Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking, all in a year. The film is interwoven with Meryl Streep playing a marvelous Julia Child, who plays against Stanley Tucci reaffirming that not all actors need to do serious roles to be the best at what they do. All of the players here have chemistry out the wazoo, and in the end everything feels warm and fuzzy, which is something that, despite everything, I do really like. All I can say is, try and eat a big meal before this movie. You don’t want to be hungry for it. Four Stars

10) Moon: Zaphod Beeblebrox is on the moon, ALONE. Only now instead of being a deranged man who just wants to bang Zooey Deschanel (AND WHO WOULDN’T), he’s the single most depressed and isolated man in the world, and it doesn’t help that the only company he’s had for three years is an emoticon-faced Kevin Spacey robot who IS NOT GOING TO TURN EVIL. Seriously, this isn’t 2001: A Space Odyssey. Zaphod hurts himself, finds out that a moon-combine has been damaged, and goes to see what the damage is, only to find… DUN DUN DUUUUN! HIMSELF. HILARITY DOES NOT ENSUE. In fact a lot of really fucking sad shit ensues. Duncan Jones directed this, and if you think that you don’t know who that is, it’s worth mentioning that his real name is Zowie Bowie, aka the son of David Bowie. A film about the moon by the son of David Bowie? Where the fuck are the spiders from Mars? SERIOUSLY THOUGH, BRING TISSUES. FIVE DAMN STARS
That’s all I have for now. This has been my month in film, and I hope you enjoyed me babbling about these movies!!

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